At the ripe age of 29 I recently had an epiphany that Mother Nature isn’t a woman. Mother bullshit! When it comes to that old gem of a phrase ‘Mother Nature’s monthly gift’ I’ve come to the viewpoint that she’s certainly not a woman. No woman would wish the pain and torture of a monthly on another woman. I bet it was a man that made up that phrase ‘Mother Nature’s monthly gift’. KMT. How the hell can chronic back pain, crimpling stomach cramps, hot flushes, heavy breast and over sensitive nipples be a gift? If that’s a gift what would constitute an insult or attack? If there is one question I want answered when I meet my maker is why he gave women periods. I mean, I know it was Eve that coaxed Adam into biting the apple in the Garden of Eden but damn! This is some serious punishment. We get period and what do men get?… blue balls. Wtf?!
I don’t know about other women but for me, it’s the feeling horny just before, just after my monthly that gets me. The day before I’m due I become a bitch on heat. I don’t know why, maybe its hormones, maybe its cause my body knows it’ll be on involuntary lock down for the next 5 days. All I can think about is dick – yet, I can’t stand a guy to touch me. My sense of smell just goes through the roof and I can smell them even more than usual. On the way to work is the worse. London Underground – the human sardine tin that it is – gets to me 10 fold when I’m on/due. These sweaty, bad breath punks that want to get all up in my business when I need my space. bumpin, bouncing me like they don’t see me, like they have no consideration for a woman, like they’re mother never raise them right. I’m not one to prescribe to the whole PMT thing but trust me; I could so easily kill some of these men.
The other point that pisses me off is guys that get upset when you’re on, that or they seem to disappear for a week while we bleed. To add insult to injury these fools want to be asking about getting head because downstairs is out of commission. Yes! I’m pissed … no I’m angry. Every time I get that little twinge in my back 3 days before I’m due I begin to sink into vexed depression. Knowing that I’ll be breaking out the pain killers and stuffing my pads into my bag is just … Depressing. Its while I’m at work that’s the worse. As black as I am I was so embarrassed when a male colleague asked me why I carry my hand bag to the ladies with me. The little shit pointed out that I can’t be powering my nose because I don’t wear make up and my hair is always immaculate. I didn’t know what to say so I told him the truth is the crudest way possible. I told him I’d either bleed all over the office furniture or go attending to my monthly. The shit wasn’t so bright after that. Guess that’s what you get for working in a male oriented organisation and being the only black woman in your section – people notice EVERYTHING you do.
I wish they’d notice my pain and get me a hot water bottle so I can hold on my stomach while I work. Actually, come to think of it, that should be part of the contract and female employee rights – water bottles are to be issued to women on the monthly while in the office. I have to say I do love my hot water bottle – so much so I have two – one for my stomach and one for my back; hot water bottle sandwich. Love that feeling almost as much as I love getting a back massage – another contradiction about being touched but for that I’d make an exception. As much as he was a cunt my ex would give me the best back rubs ever. He’d then rub my feet too – something I never thought I’d let a man do. Personally I think men should be sent to a special school so they can learn about what us women go through. I doubt they’d get it but it’s like that horse meat selling supermarket brand … Every little helps.
Ok … rant over. I’ve vented.
and if you haven’t guessed … i just got that twinge.
Read more of DeeDee Walkers chronicles
The chronicles & thoughts of DeeDee Walker pt1
The chronicles of DeeDee Walker: 1st March – tongueologist
Thoughts of DeeDee Walker – who’s is it?!